


Bad Day

by Fandoms_are_my_lifestyle



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bipolar Disorder, Depression, Depression caused by Bipolar disorder, Heavy Angst, I'm Sorry, M/M, Please Don't Hate Me, please read responsibly
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-13
Updated: 2017-04-13
Packaged: 2018-10-18 10:51:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,151
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10615377
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fandoms_are_my_lifestyle/pseuds/Fandoms_are_my_lifestyle
Summary: Koutaro can tell as soon as he realizes he’s awake, before he even opens his eyes. There’s something different in the way the morning feels now, different than when he’d gone to sleep the night before, and he feels heavy.It's going to be a Bad Day.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Warning for depression and anxiety. This is based primarily on my own experiences with wanting someone with me while having a depressive episode, however Bokuto's is much more exaggerated then mine. 
> 
> Please remember that you are never alone!! There are always people who love you, no matter whether you see them or not. 
> 
> As always, for [doodledevil](https://www.instagram.com/doodledevil/).

_They tell me your blue sky's faded to gray_  
_They tell me your passion's gone away_  
_And I don't need no carrying on_

* * *

 It’s going to be a Bad Day.

Koutaro can tell as soon as he realizes he’s awake, before he even opens his eyes. There’s something different in the way the morning feels now, different than when he’d gone to sleep the night before, and he feels heavy. He feels like the muscle inside him so commonly referred to as his greatest asset - his heart - is weighing him down, pulling him down towards the point of no return.

He can tell before he even opens his eyes that it’s going to be a Bad Day.

He wants to call for his mother, wants her to stroke his hair like she used to when he was little and physically sick instead of just mentally. He wants her to hold him close and tell him everything is going to be okay. But his mother works in a law firm on the other side of Tokyo, opposite ways from Fukurodani, and he doesn’t want to burden her with his problems. He doesn’t want to be the one who makes her late, after all; his feelings are not worth her getting into trouble.

Koutaro can’t seem to remember what has caused this particular episode, either. He’d had a good day, yesterday; practice had gone well, he and Keiji had gone to get Mochi afterwards and he’d watched Akaashi’s green eyes glint in the sun as he laughed at some stupid joke Koutaro had made.

Yesterday had been perfect.

So why was today feeling so shitty?

He thinks about opening his eyes, just for a moment, but instantly disregards that idea. He knows that the light will only make him feel worse, and as soon as he opens his eyes he has to get up and get dressed and get ready for when Akaashi comes - 

Akaashi. Keiji is coming. Though he’s been Koutaro’s best friend for almost two years now, and his boyfriend for a couple of months, he’s really never seen Koutaro on a really bad day.

It’s not that he’s scared Keiji won’t know how to deal with him - on the contrary, Akaashi knows how to deal with Koutaro’s mood swings and reminds him to take his meds in the mornings and comforts Koutaro on days where he feels like the world is crushing him. But he’s never seen Koutaro at his lowest point, and Koutaro knows he’ll want to help but he-

He doesn’t want to be burden.

And that’s the crux of it, really; he wants to ask for help, wants to reach out and scream that he wants his mother’s hugs or his friends to sit quietly next to him until the world doesn’t seem like it’s so much. He wants his boyfriend to wrap him in warm arms and reassure him that everything is going to be okay.

But he can’t ask for that.

He can’t be the reason his mother’s boss yells at her for being late, can’t be the reason his friends miss class or practice and have to make up notes or serve detention. He can’t be the reason his boyfriend doesn’t do something he wants too, just because Koutaro needs him as an emotional tether.

There is nothing Koutaro hates more than feeling like a worthless burden.

He forces his eyes open enough to grab his phone and opens the chat he keeps with his mom. Looking at the screen hurts his brain, but he fights it just enough to send her a two word text.

**To: _Kaachan_  
**

**> > Horned owl.**

**[Message sent]**

They’d come up with that particular safe word when Koutaro was first diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder and Depression. The words meant, simply enough, “the world is too much for me right now and I need you to let me be at home alone today.” Koutaro had only used it a few times over the years, and he would never dream of abusing it; his mother’s trust of him meant more to him than anything.

He ignores the other texts waiting for his attention and turns over onto his side, back to the door. He’ll try to rest, futile as his attempts may be, until the Bad Day is over and he’s okay again.

He rests there for who knows how long, eyelids protecting him from the darkness outside but not from what feeds inside his brain.

_Useless.  
_

_Faggot.  
_

_Unreliable.  
_

_Needy.  
_

_Worthless._

The words fester in his brain and tears gather in his eyes. He wants his mom, wants _Keiji_ , but it’s not possible so he just lays on his side and lets the words gather in his brain.

_Attention hog.  
_

_Bad friend.  
_

_Burdensome._

Somewhere in the back of his brain, there is a voice that sounds suspiciously like his boyfriend. It’s telling him that the words are wrong, that they’re lying to him in order to hurt him, but it is soon drowned out by the vile words running through his head.

_Stupid.  
_

_Useless.  
_

_Unloveable._

He lies in the dark for what could be an infinity or just a few moments, until the darkness is becomes more comfortable.

Koutaro ends up drifting off like that, hovering in that place between sleep and awake where the voices cannot reach him.

His only plan for the day is to try and end it - sleep until the Bad Day has passed and then pretend it never happened, make up an excuse for his coaches to let him in. He does not get up for anything except when the need for the bathroom becomes too much to ignore. He doesn’t intend to see anyone today; his mother knows not to let anyone in once she’s home and he certainly isn’t up for answering the door.

Which is part of the reason he’s so surprised when he receives a visitor an eternity hours later.

When the door cracks open he expects to see his mother, home early from work to make sure he’s alright. It’s happened before, after all - and every time he tells her it’s unnecessary, no matter how much he appreciates it, because any Bad Day of his is not worth her getting into trouble at work.

He definitely does not expect Akaashi Keiji to be the one who cracks open his door. He sees the outline of his beautiful boyfriend in the light spilling from the cracked door, shadow falling over the wall opposite the door which Koutaro still faces, and instantly Koutaro feels like crap. He closes his eyes, sick with guilt. His boyfriend had come over, and he was in no state to-

Wait.

Why was Akaashi here?

As far as Koutaro knew, there was no-one home to answer his door, meaning there should have been no way for Keiji to get in. Plus, his mother knew not to let anyone near him while he was like this; Koutaro didn’t want to be a burden on anyone, especially not-

“Bokuto-san?”

Keiji’s voice is intentionally soft, the kind of voice he would use when speaking to a wounded animal or - apparently - a wounded Bokuto.

He doesn’t want to open his eyes, doesn’t want to look behind him.

He knows Keiji will be behind him, green eyes so normally non-expressive carefully hiding concern. He can’t look at his boyfriend and see the pity hiding behind his beautiful eyes.

He doesn’t want to look at his boyfriend and know he’s burdening him.

“Bokuto-san?”

His voice comes again and Koutaro can’t look at him, can’t bear to see the pity he can hear in his boyfriend’s voice, but he forces himself around anyway. He studies his bedsheets, feels the depression of the bed when Keiji approaches and sits.

“Koutaro.” Keiji’s voice is soft, hesitant, the use of his first name surprising and yet terrifying. All Koutaro wants to do is turn his face and hide in Keiji’s stomach, but he can’t. It’s all too much and he wants Keiji, ~~wants a hug wants him to care~~ wants him to leave.

“Bokuto-san, your mom said you weren’t feeling well, she said I should come and check on you… Are you alright?”

~~No.~~

~~Yes?~~

~~No.~~

He remains silent.

“Koutaro… It’s okay… Come on, look at me? Please?”

Koutaro turns to face the man sitting behind him, eyes squinting against the dim light emanating from the doorway.

“That’s it.” Keiji’s eyes are tender, so unlike the calculating icy look they hold during practice hours. “What’s happening, Koutaro?”

He can’t speak.

Keiji’s eyes hold none of the pity Koutaro had ~~_imagined?_~~  heard in his boyfriend’s words. Instead, Koutaro only sees concern, and tenderness, and something warm Koutaro can’t quite identify. It’s comforting enough to let Koutaro hold his gaze.

“Kou, why didn’t you tell me you were feeling like this?”

Koutaro shrugs, voice caught in his throat. _I couldn’t_ , he wants to say. _I couldn’t be a burden to you. I wanted to tell you, really, I did._

A tear runs down his cheek. He feels lousy, worse off than the shit on the bottom of a shoe.

“Hey, hey… It’s okay, Kou. Really, it is.” Keiji’s hand lifts, as if to reach for Koutaro’s shoulder, then stills. He’s unsure, Koutaro realizes, unsure is Koutaro is safe to touch or not. He’s respecting Koutaro’s boundaries, spoken and not, because Akaashi Keiji is so so _good_. He’s too good for someone like Koutaro, it almost makes Koutaro feel bad for keeping him.

For dragging him down.

He’s crying now, real hard sobbing that shakes his body to its core. A hand comes down to rest on his shoulders and Koutaro leans into it, seeking the warmth emitting from the other boy. Maybe Keiji’s warmth will help him feel right again. Maybe he’ll make the Bad Day go away.

With a faint cry, he turns onto his side and buries his head in the flat planes of Keiji’s stomach. It’s warm there, dark and quiet and comforting. Sort of like Keiji himself.

Tentative fingers begin to make it’s way through his hair, running comforting lines through long-fallen locks.

“It’s okay, Koutaro…” Keiji’s voice is tender, full of life and warmth and something uniquely _Keiji_ , and it’s nice. “It’s okay.”

It’s not okay, not even a little bit. He’s not okay, he's never been okay, and he's dragging Keiji down with him.

“I - I’m sorry”, He chokes past the knot in his throat. “I'm sorry.”

Keiji’s fingers still in his hair. “Why are you apologizing?” He asks. “What have you done that merits an apology?”

“I’m such a burden to you.” Koutaro mumbles into Keiji’s abs. “I’m going to drag you down.”

It's true, and Koutaro knows it like he knows that he will burden his mom, his friends, his team. He knows it like he knows that Akaashi Keiji is perfect, like he knows that his best friend Kuroo is in love with his setter, like he knows that his mother is the best person in the world.

The fingers in his hair feel as though they have been forged from lead, boring down on his head and into his mind like a spinning drill. They’ve ceased their comforting repetitions and now lay, splayed, at the crest of his forehead.

“Koutaro…” Keiji says slowly. “Is that really what you think?”

Keiji knows it’s true, Koutaro realises. He knows that what Koutaro says is true, and he now understands the impact Koutaro will have on his life should he stay by the older boy’s side. He understands not, and he's going to leave, leave because Koutaro is such a burden on everyone he knows-

“No.”

He doesn’t realize he’s been speaking out loud until Keiji cuts him off.

“I am not leaving you, Koutaro.” Akaashi’s voice is quiet but strong, and emotion seeps through every word. “I swear. I do not plan on ever leaving you, Bokuto-San, and I know that forever is a long time and I know there is no guarantee of the future, but for as long as I can, I plan to stay by your side. You can never burden me enough that I will feel the need to leave you, I think, so please think no more of it. I am here.”

Bokuto felt tears well up in his eyes again, but this time he smiles through them.

The world is hard, and there will always be Bad Days, but everything is better with Akaashi Keiji by his side.

* * *

_'Cause you had a bad day_  
_You're taking one down_  
_You sing a sad song just to turn it around_  
_You say you don't know_  
_You tell me don't lie_  
_You work at a smile and you go for a ride_  
_You had a bad day_  
_You see what you like_  
_And how does it feel one more time?_  
_You had a bad day_  
_You had a bad day_

**Author's Note:**

> Come visit me on tumblr: [fandoms-are-my-lifestyle](http://fandoms-are-my-lifestyle.tumblr.com/)


End file.
